I still love things like this:
But I'm older now. I also love things like this:
“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”
–M. Kathleen Casey
“Behind every successful woman is herself.”
–Anon
“A true friend stabs
you in the front.”-Oscar Wilde
“Worry casts long shadows of small things.” –Swedish Proverb
What has changed? I've learned to love. And by that I mean, I've learned how to balance depending on other people with depending on myself. I've learned to forgive people. I've learned to listen. I've learned that whatever you set your sights on, you move toward. And that many people don't look very far. Last semester I watched a video in which Neil Gaiman gave a commencement speech about 'moving toward the mountain,' and I've not stopped thinking about it since. I think if more people knew how much power they have, they would grow more.
I've also learned to stop worrying. This has its advantages--saves a lot of energy, and makes more room for healing. The downside is I've passed the midpoint and started slacking. I don't want to slack--I keep my sights on the mountain. But once you start off behind, it's an even bigger challenge to catch back up.
I'm also learning to network, as is necessary to find jobs or, more urgently, internships. It's making me think a lot about what I really want to do. This is a difficult question--I love to do so much (make things, think about life, listen to people, do yoga, travel, learn new ideas...). It occurred to me today that I could write newspaper columns from my constant philosophical pondering--or keep a blog (which is how I got here). Or I could have been a music major. Or a dancer. Or an FBI agent. Or an Astronomer. Or a theater-owner who writes stories. Or a person who travels to other countries to help people. Someone once said "specialization is for insects." *Googles quote* Robert A. Heinlein.
But I've been realizing lately that I have a huge field of vision about the future...I see a very large, distant mountain. Around here, people don't seem to have huge goals, or know how to come up with goals. But I know what I want to do: as much as I can do. I know it sounds vague, but it's actually very specific on a broad scale. But time is precious and ever-crowding, and I fear I'm reaching the point in one's life where there is never a full day to just let whatever happens happen....those were the days when I created many things. I miss creating. My school work demands so much, yet so little...So much time, yet so little growth. I try to grow from it...I try to see the positive outcome and work hard towards it. I do feel that I've grown very much since I started college...Looking back, I've grown in many ways I never expected to. But on a day-to-day level, it's getting harder to tell that my heart is being fed, because it's just so hungry for one particular thing: time to create. I'm also at that age where one's mind fossilizes the paths that have been traveled, and starts a new chapter permanently based on them. I'm afraid that the longer I neglect something, the harder it will be to get it back. I used to bring new ideas to life without questioning them. Now...now I'm under the influence of What Is Socially Acceptable, as well as What Is The Highest Priority. I've zoomed in on the world of how fragile words can be to people, as well as how one's time is taken over by work. I've learned to interact positively with a broad range of people, and I've learned to prioritize my time to fit in a full night's sleep. These things have taken all my focus lately (besides one other thing), and I can manage...but my heart is hungry. Or rather, I should say it's full, because it wants to empty itself via creative expression. But that takes undivided focus, and there is always something that needs to be done before I can sit down with myself. The longer I neglect it, the more time I know it will take to get back in touch with it...This would cause me anxiety if I hadn't learned to just breathe and relax. It does make me feel longing, though. Intense, sentimental longing, mixed with the pressures of urgent priorities. Part of me doesn't want to miss out on what my soul has to say...the other part is trying to keep my academic head above water.
I guess I had more to talk about than I realized. I called up an old leader from church yesterday, who I've hardly spoken to since middle school, and we chatted for two whole hours like we just saw each other yesterday. It made me do a lot of reflecting. I'm so much older than when we last saw each other...but at the same time, some things haven't changed...they've just been built upon.
Will anyone read this? Who knows. These are just the ramblings of a post-teenage girl changing her wardrobe from sweatpants to pencil skirts.
